Ryan In Love
by senorjustino
Summary: Ryan Atwood's romantic escapades from his start at the University of California to the wedding of Summer Roberts.
1. Chapter 1

Ryan Atwood read over Taylor's email once more and sighed in disappointment. She could not be coming back to California for Christmas Break—in fact, she would not be returning to America at all for the break. "Greece and Turkey." Ryan muttered to himself. Taylor would be going off to Athens once her semester ended with Madame de Crecy, her daughter Violette de Crecy, Monsieur Brichot and Marius Morel. It was Marius Morel that concerned Ryan the most. In a word, he was brilliant, and ever since Taylor had fallen in with Mme de Crecy and her salon of august minds, M. Morel had been a familiar character in her adventures. Ryan was sure that they were dating—or at least she was interested in him, even though the fact had not yet clearly been stated.

Logging off his email, Ryan let his mind and imagination wander over to Paris and a certain girl there. What had they agreed on before they had gone their separate ways? Hadn't they agreed to let things happen as they happen, and leave it all to chance? Taylor had broken out that old cliché: if it was meant to be then it was meant to be—why hadn't he explored the world yet? Sure he was busy with school and he did have friends, but something was holding him back. It had to be Taylor; he loved her for sure, and he did not doubt that she loved him but she had taken the first step out into their lives as single adults while he was pining for her.

"Hey man." The voice of Luke Davidson broke into his thoughts. "Guess what I just scored?"

"Tickets to the Stanford game?"

"I wish—No, tickets to the Tri-Delt auction." Luke waved the tickets before Ryan triumphantly. "You know what that means?"

"No." He did but Luke was going to tell him regardless.

"Now you can finally get that date with Madison I know you're too chicken-shit to ask for." It was common theme of conversation between the two—Madison Lewis obviously liked Ryan, and Ryan seemed to like Madison, but had not done anything about it.

"Maybe. When is it?"

"Tomorrow night—so start drinking or whatever you need to do to get your courage up."

"What are you up to?" Ryan was eager to change the subject; Luke knew about Taylor and their love for each other, but agreed with the rationality of seeing other people while living in different continents.

"Nothing really—was thinking about dropping in on Katie." Katie was Luke's current romance—he had many of them and Ryan was impressed by his ability to juggle them all as well as keep up his grades in school. "You want to come? It will be better than thinking about Taylor."

"What makes you think I'm thinking about Taylor?"

"I can tell when you're thinking about her—you get a sad, lost look. She hook up with somebody?"

"I don't know—maybe." Marius Morel appeared to be brilliant, handsome and charming. Why wouldn't Taylor fall for him? "It's complicated."

"No it's not." He agreed with Taylor's side of the situation and thought Ryan was crazy for not taking advantage of the pretty girls around campus. "You love her and she loves you right?"

"Right." She still ended every email with "Love, Taylor" and had thrown in the occasional "I love you" into her emails and letters, so he was convinced of her feelings; he too had opened up to her and had said those magic little words since starting school, but apparently she could move beyond that.

"So hold onto that fact. Even though she might hook up and see other people, she still loves you. She's just not going to let an opportunity to have fun slip by her, and you shouldn't either. You know Madison is crazy about you and you like her—ask her out, hook up with her if she's desperate enough to let you." Ryan laughed—Luke was making so much sense. "If you and your girl are really meant to be, then it will happen when the timings right. But it's idiotic of you not to have some fun in the mean time."

"Who's going to be there tonight?" Katie was an Alpha Phi and had a lot of pretty friends for Ryan to choose from.

"Jenny, Lois, Mandy—the regular set." The Alpha Phi girls seemed to be constantly in a state of celebration. Ryan couldn't remember ever seeing one of the girls not dressed well or not drunk. "I forget the reason they are celebrating tonight—maybe one of them got a new hair cut?"

"Or a 'B' on a test." Their abilities to juggle drinking and school were not as good as Luke's. "When were you thinking about going?"

"Probably in an hour or so. I need to jump in the shower."

"Okay—I'm in." He thought again about Taylor's email. Ryan had set so much in store in seeing Taylor over Christmas Break; if she was going to have fun and live life to the fullest, then he would too. It was a turning point in Ryan's college life. From now on, he would see as many women as possible.

"Are you sure?" Luke could see the wheels turning in Ryan's mind. How much convincing would he have to do?

"Absolutely."

"Good man." He turned to go. "Just don't chicken out on me."

"I won't."

"Look out Berkeley! Here comes Ryan Atwood!" Ryan could only laugh. He thought of Taylor again in Paris. He did love her, but he needed to do this. She would want him to be happy and having fun.


	2. Chapter 2

"Finals suck!" Ryan's roommate Glenn threw down his Russian book in disgust. "I hate Russian." That was Glenn for you, always complaining about something.

"Sorry man." Ryan, as usual, was at a loss for words. They got on all right for roommates, but they both knew they had nothing in common and weren't really friends. "It's your last one at least."

"The rest of my exams sucked too." Glenn envied Ryan for everything he had. Cool friends, a hot girlfriend, the seemingly inability to get stressed about papers and exams. "When are you done?"

"Tomorrow." He had his philosophy final at nine and then he was off to Cohens for the winter break. "How about you?"

"Tonight." His exam was a five and then he was packing his car and heading back to San Diego.

"At least you'll get to see your girlfriend soon."

"She broke up with me this morning."

"Oh—sorry man." He had met the girl once before—not the best catch but then again Glenn wasn't a prize either. Not wanting to have to put his foot in his mouth again, and knowing that Glenn would keep on complaining, Ryan excused himself and left to find Madison. It was convenient that she lived a floor below him. They had been dating for over a month now, ever since the date audition in early November and it had been a good month. Madison was very sweet and funny and sexy as hell, so overall he had made a good choice.

"Hey baby." Madison kissed him passionately. "I missed you." They had only last seen each other that morning, but she was very free with her emotions. "Miss me?"

"I did." As always, Ryan wasn't the best at saying much. If there were anything Madison could find a complaint about, it was Ryan's lack of expressing himself and his emotions. "What have you been up to?"

"I was trying to study but there's a _Real World_ marathon on so I couldn't concentrate.

"Boston?"

"Las Vegas." She was a big fan of Las Vegas. "How's studying?"

"I haven't really started. Glenn was…"

"Complaining about something." She knew Glenn's charming ability whine about everything and disliked him accordingly. "I wish you could move in with Luke." She loved Luke on the other hand.

"He actually likes his roommate."

"So are you excited about going home?" She sat down on her bed and move room for him. "I wish I had a chance to meet your friends." As he put his arms around her, she let out a sigh and melted into his arms. She loved his touch and felt powerless when his hands explored her. "My friends are dying to see you." He was going up to spend three days with her over New Years. She insisted that they share a New Years kiss, and maybe more.

"I'm excited about it too." He started kissing her neck and ears and he could feel her body shudder in delight. "What are your plans for today?" Ryan's hands ran around her legs and butt and as he did he thought of her soft, naked skin against his.

"Nothing really." She felt her body yielding to his once again and though she had a French final in two hours that she hadn't really studied for, knew that she wanted him. "I have time." Climbing on top of him and kissed him long and passionately. Their tongues intertwined and she let out a soft moan as his hands caressed her. "Go get a condom."

After he had left Madison to take her exam, Ryan went back to his room and gathered up his books. Glenn had left so the room was his but deciding that the TV and the play station three looked too tempting, made way for the library. While on his way, the phone rang. It was Seth.

"Hey man what's new? Oh really, no I didn't know that. Summer told you? Well Taylor said nothing. All right. Yea, thing's are good here. Just hanging out with Madison—no, she's going home for Christmas Break, remember? Friday? Okay, sure I'll get you from the airport. Oh okay, sure, talk to you later." Ryan cursed under his break, annoyed. So Taylor was jealous? Taylor, who had finally admitted to be seeing Marius Morel, was jealous of Ryan and Madison. She had lied to him, telling him that she was glad that Ryan was dating Madison but had told Summer something the complete opposite. "Damn her."

He was tempted to sign onto the first computer in the library and send her an angry letter about telling him one thing and feeling something completely different. How were they going to be friends if they weren't honest and open about things? That's the only reason they had told each other about their respective lovers: they knew it would be awhile before they could ever date and since a long distance thing was out of the question, they thought it would be good to see other people and be honest with each other about relationships. If there was going to be jealousy, they needed to be upfront about things.

Fuming, Ryan fought against the urge to email her and decided instead to banish the image of Taylor Townsend out of his head. He knew he would not get over her—not yet at least, but for now he would concentrate on Madison and how positive things were. Ryan was still going to email Taylor about this, but when he was feeling calmer. He knew that he would be getting Summer in trouble, but that's what he had to do for the sake of their relationship. Taylor's jealousy couldn't fester. He wanted things to work between them, at least for friendship sake.

"You look pleased." It was Luke.

"Just philosophy."

"So I heard from Julie that there was a nice amount of moaning coming from Madison's room this afternoon." Ryan smiled shyly. "You stud—Julie says that you guys are like a bunch of rabbits." Julie was Madison's roommate and was fairly jealous of Madison's constant state of sexual fulfillment. "Do you guys ever stay fully clothed around another?"

"We try not to."

"You're out of here tomorrow?"

"You know it."

"Why are we here in the library then? Katie's got the house practically all to herself and there's a lot of beer in the fridge."

"Don't you have finals?"

"Katie's lonely and horny and she's got some friends so finals will have to wait."

"I'll leave Katie and her friends for you."

"You're a strange man Ryan Atwood." Luke shook his head in awe that anyone could be a freshman and monogamous. "You're a strange man."


	3. Chapter 3

Ryan laid down his cell phone and let the barrage of words sink in. Taylor's words had stunned him because of the ferocity of the attack, and not because of the sentiments she had expressed. Yes he knew that she loved him—he loved her too, but he had not realized how dearly she was missing him and how badly she wanted him. The words and emotions she had expressed were burnt into his mind and now he had to process them.

It was Valentine's Day and he and Madison had dinner plans set for two hours. There was a seafood restaurant down the block that they had not found the time to explore yet, and tonight had provided the perfect option. Madison—he thought of his red haired beauty but her image was quickly forced out by Taylor's. She had released such a torrent of emotions and desires upon Ryan that his head was still spinning. He closed his eyes and let the image of Taylor's soft, naked and yielding body flood over him. Yes—it was a delicious image and Ryan felt a stab of pain at the fact that she would not be his tonight, or anytime soon. He would have to wait until the summer.

The summer—she had promised him days of happiness this summer; her return to California was guaranteed. Of course Violette de Crecy wanted her to stay; they were planning a trip to North Africa and even though Morocco sounded like a dream, Taylor would turn it down, despite her friends' displeasures. They did not like it that Taylor was so in love with an American boy. Weren't French men good enough for her? Apparently not for she was giving up an entire summer with Marius Morel to stay in dreary California with friends and her mother.

Picking up him phone, Ryan was tempted to call Seth but decided it against it. Poor Seth was depressed without having Summer to spend the day with—Summer, who only had recourse to a phone once or twice a month, and not for long when she did have a phone. Seth would be pining for his beloved and probably didn't want his sad and gloomy world of self pity to be disturbed by Ryan's problematic love life. He knew that things hadn't been great with Madison these last few weeks. He knew that Madison was falling in love with him, and despite his best efforts, no great fires of romance had ignited within him yet.

Marissa and Taylor had been love, he was sure of that. With both of those girls, the conquest of his heart had been accomplished quickly, under three months both times. It was coming upon five months in March and nothing of yet had stirred within him. He certainly enjoyed her company and thought her very pretty, but there was something missing. Of course it didn't help that part of his heart was tied up in France, but there had to be more.

His musing were interrupted by a knock at the door. It was his friend Alton from chemistry lab.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing—just got done talking to a friend."

"Was she hot?"

"Make makes you think it's a she?"

"I don't know—you know a lot of hot girls so I figured it might be one of them." He flopped down on Ryan's bed. "So where are you and Madison going tonight?"

"Fish."

"Wise choice." He took out his cell phone and absently started looking through his collection of phone numbers. "They have excellent sword fish and hot ass waitresses. If you feel like dumping Madison, a waitress from Fish is a nice replacement."

"Thanks for the insight." Ryan watched his friend search for a number and then surrendered his reasoning. It was simpler to ask his friends what they were doing instead of trying to figure out the logic. "Who are you looking for?"

"I don't know—trying to find a girl to hook up with tonight." He stopped at a name. "I don't remember if Jenny is busy tonight."

"Radford or Price?" Price was by far the prettier of the two.

"Radford. Price got back with Mike Anderson, remember?"

"That's right, at the Sigma Delta party." It seemed sometimes that all his friends were either a part of a Greek organization or sleeping with someone who was Greek. "Radford isn't a bad catch."

"She's fat." She wasn't really fat, just a little bit chunky but Alton had insane standards of beauty. "I heard that you were thinking of breaking up with Madison?"

"Thought—briefly." Two weeks ago they had had a fight, a rather bitter one, about Ryan's inability to communicate his feelings. He had certain improved that ability while dating Taylor, but he wasn't skilled enough at it to please Madison. They had taken a break for twenty-four hours, but had had hooked up at a random party and the make-up sex had secured the relationship, for now.

"I think she loves you." Alton was sleeping with Julie on and off, so he learnt a lot during the pillow talk.

"I know—at least I know she's falling for me."

"But you feel nothing?"

"No—not nothing. I really care about her."

"You don't love her though. Not yet anyway."

"Not never maybe." Alton whistled; that was the cold, hard truth of the matter. "She's pretty hot man."

"I know. But I think there's something missing." They sat in silence for a while; Alton let Ryan to thinking while he thought about Jenny. He figured she'd be alone tonight and happy to get the attention and the sex. He would just have to keep quiet about it and make sure she didn't say anything to any of her friends. Alton would never hear the end of it if he slept with Jenny. "There's Taylor."

"Your girlfriend in France?"

"Yeah." Alton had seen pictures, he wouldn't mind a piece of action from Taylor and envied Ryan for it. "She called today."

"Oh yeah? Wanted a piece of some Atwood?"

"Yeah—I don't know. She was drunk so it might be meaningless…"

"In wine lies the truth." Alton laughed and shook his head. "If she called and was getting all hot and heavy on you, I would take it at face value. When are you going to see her again?"

"This summer." They both agreed that Ryan would get some good loving from Taylor when he saw her again. "It just makes me confused about Madison."

"You don't think you can love her because of this Taylor chick."

"Partly."

"What else is there?"

"I think…" How to put this? He didn't want to come off as a total snob, but Alton was a pretty smart and laid back kind of person so he wouldn't be too offended by it. "I think it's also that we don't have tons in common." It was a beginning to the full truth. "Like at first we had a lot to talk about because we were getting to know each other but now I feel like we don't have any common interests."

"And she's dumb as a brick." Ryan was silent for a moment and Alton was bout to apologize for insulting his friend's girlfriend but Ryan stopped him in his tracks by nodding his head.

"I wouldn't say that but she's certainly doesn't indulge in heavy topics or conversations." Her favorite TV show was _The Real World_ Las Vegas and her idea of reading material was _Glamour _and _Cosmos_. Madison Lewis certainly had intelligence, but it was not being nurtured by anything in her life. "It just seems like she lacks substance sometimes."

"While your other girlfriends were really smart?"

"They were in their own way." Marissa and Taylor would have shined at any institution they would have chosen. In all honestly, Ryan was sometimes baffled that Madison had gotten into Berkeley. "She isn't dumb; it's just that she has no idea of the world around her. She doesn't read up on politics or the environment or anything."

"The world is her and her shallow friends." Alton didn't mind that in a women but then again he acknowledged a mental superiority in Ryan. Ryan agreed with a nod of his head and the two friends sat in silence. "What are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know."

"See what happens."

"See what happens?"

"Stay with Madison for now. You can't see Taylor until the summer so stay with Madison for now and maybe things will improve. Whatever you do though, you have to hook up with that Taylor chick at least once this summer."

"Madison or no?"

"Exactly. Things will work out in the end." Alton got up to leave, satisfied with the advice he had given out. "And one more thing. Don't tell anyone that I'm going to hook up with Jenny tonight."

Ryan watched his friend leave and decided to take a quick nap before having to get ready for his date with Madison.


	4. Chapter 4

"So this was a nice choice." Taylor Townsend admired the leather and dark oak booth she sat down in as well as the dark oak wood and giant mirrors that decorated the restaurant. "There's a very nice steak house in Paris like this."

"Well the food here is really good." Ryan smiled and opened the menu. He was so happy at this moment. Taylor had just arrived in Berkeley that morning and after a tour of the campus, Ryan had spirited her away to San Francisco for a romantic three days. "The lobster is wonderful."

"I'm happy." She took his hands in hers. They both beamed smiles back at another and Taylor thought how wonderful it was to be back in America. Sure, she had angered her friends by turning down a North African adventure, but this was worth it. Spending time and seeing Ryan was worth it. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." A waiter came by and took their drink order—wine for Ryan and water for Taylor. "I bet you hate not having a fake."

"I do. I never needed one in Newport since no one was ever carded."

"Kaitlin actually got me a new one a few months ago."

"I'll have to talk to her about that." She was spending the summer—until early August at least, in California so she needed to pass a 21 year old, at least in San Francisco and Los Angeles. "Have you heard from Seth?"

"Not yet—I figured I'd call him after dinner."

"The hotel seems so far away." He had told her not to wear her high heels, but she had insisted because she wanted to look gorgeous for him.

"It's only two blocks away." It was one of the finest in the city and was costing Ryan a small fortune—he didn't care though. She looked beautiful in that black dress and he couldn't wait to get it off of her.

"I have a surprise for you tonight."

"I can't wait." He leaned in and kissed her and he felt her shudder softly in delight. She must be having the same thoughts I am, Ryan thought to himself. "What do you think of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries?"

"Room service?"

"Absolutely." He had broken up with Madison in early May. They both agreed at that point that the relationship was over; it had been a slow decline but it had been steady. Simply, they had run of things to talk about. Even Madison agreed that it was probably for the best, so there were no real hard feelings at the end. She had promised to stay friends but Ryan felt they both knew that was a lie. Better to let her move on and keep some positive memories.

"What are thinking about?"

"Honestly?"

"Of course." The waiter brought their drinks and the two toasted to one another. "I always want to know what goes on in that mind of yours."

"I was thinking about Madison."

"Oh really." She sipped her water slowly. "What about her?"

"That I'm glad that we aren't together anymore." Taylor liked that. She liked knowing how important she was in Ryan's world. "If she was in the picture we couldn't do what we're going to do after dinner."

"Play checkers?" He kicked her lightly under the table. "I'm glad that you aren't the cheating type Ryan. I could never love someone that was unfaithful."

"You wouldn't be here tonight if I was with Madison?"

"Let's just say I'm glad I don't have to stress over that." Taylor beckoned him forward and kissed him deeply as he leaned forward. "I don't want to get out of bed tomorrow."

"I don't either but Seth and Kaitlin are excited about seeing you." Seth and Summer were still going strong, even though Summer had until the November elections until she was done with her tour of duty. It was tough but they stuck with it.

"I'm glad that Summer and Seth are doing so well." Their attention was turned briefly towards the waiter who was back for their order. "Surf and turf for me."

"Same here." Ryan sipped his wine and thought of Taylor and Marius. He had been very mean to her when she had decided against going to Morocco with them and had started a slow decline in their relationship. Things were very cool between them by the time she had left for America. "You know, I'm glad that you and Marius aren't seeing each other right now either—or I'd be in the same situation you would have been in."

"We are lucky." He reached over and took her hand again.

"I can't believe the last time I saw you was on the train to New York."

"I can't believe I have to do that again." The airlines still would not take her, but she at least knew the reason for it and was appealing her At-Risk status. "They thought I was a terrorist." She laughed at that.

"How long will it take to get it over turned?"

"Who knows?" She had to get character witnesses to assure that she was a God fearing, loyal American. Sandy Cohen was writing one letter for her. "It's so nice of Sandy to write a letter for me."

"Of course—he hates the current administration as much as you do."

"He's going to be an amazing professor." After all the years of practicing law, Sandy Cohen had decided to teach his craft. He would be teaching law at the university come the fall. "And I can't wait to see Sophie."

"She's very cute." They were all going to go to dinner tomorrow at the Cohen's home, so Taylor would get a peek at the young and growing Sophie Cohen. "Loud but cute."

"And I'm sure it makes you want to be a father."

"A father of five." She started into his deep blue eyes and thought again how wonderful he was. He had such a happy existence going for him; he had great friends, great family and a wonderful future ahead of him. "You look really beautiful tonight."

"You look amazing too." They said nothing for a while, only held eyes and gazed at each other. Ryan, whatever resistance he had put up against Taylor before her arrival back in America, felt it crumble beneath her gaze. "I really love you."

"I love you too." He squeezed her hand and thought it would be a happy thing if they could continue on like this.


	5. Chapter 5

"She was pretty wonderful." They held hands and stared down at Marissa's grave-stone.

"She was—she really loved you." Taylor squeezed Ryan's hand and then placed the flowers she had brought down by the grave; Ryan did likewise. "I was always so jealous of her—her life seemed so perfect."

"It wasn't so perfect." The summer was almost over—this perfect, happy summer was almost over for them. It was late July and in a few days Taylor would start her arduous journey back to Europe. She had a six day train trip across America and then a five day boat trip across the Atlantic. "The end was far from perfect."

"I know." They stood in silence, keeping witness over Marissa Cooper. He was in Newport to see Taylor before her departure and they had mutually decided to visit Marissa's grave. She had not been there since the funeral; so much had changed since then. "Do you want to be alone?"

"No—I'm okay." He tried to come here at least once a year but it was hard now that the Cohens no longer lived in Newport. "Thank you for coming with me." She kissed him in reply; it was a longer, lingering kiss. They both hated to separate from each other. Everything had been wonderful this summer; they had gotten along so well and had been so happy. They had not fought or argued even; every day they talked and laughed and when they were together things seemed so right.

"I wanted to come." Taylor had never felt jealous or worried about Marissa. It was not in her nature to be jealous of the dead, and Taylor was not so cruel and immature to want Ryan's heart to belong solely to hers. She knew that there would always be a place in Ryan's heart for Marissa and it did not bother her. He made her feel happy and that's all that mattered. "My mom wants to do dinner at the club tonight."

"That sounds good." Veronica Townsend had become a changed woman since the great earth quake of '07. She was a sweeter, more patience woman and the relationship with her daughter, though far from perfect, was better. They actually got along and could spend time with each other without Taylor feeling small and foolish. Ryan—remembering the Veronica Townsend of old—still felt afraid of Taylor's mother but for the most part she was kind to him. Veronica could see her daughter loved Ryan, and that he felt likewise. "Could I have a couple of minutes?"

"Of course." She smiled sadly and walked a couple of yards away from him. She could not always go where his mind and heart went and it killed her that she could not go with him and help him through his occasional dark lapses. As she watched a mother and small child lay flowers down at a grave, Taylor thought about her upcoming journey. She would land in Lisbon and meet up with Violette de Crecy. Madame de Crecy had missed Taylor over the summer despite her anger at the girl and was excited about her return to Paris and so had sent her daughter down to Lisbon to pick up the young American. They would then drive through the Portugease, Spanish and French countryside on the way to the capital and Violette had hinted that Marius Morel would meet them at some point.

Violette had mentioned that Marius missed Taylor and wanted to see her again, despite all the angry things he had said to her. They all thought Taylor was brilliant, Violette assured her, and all missed her brilliance. "Things are dull in Casablanca without you." Madame de Crecy had communicated to her. "We must get our little group back together when you return." She certainly missed Violette and Mme. de Crecy and their weekly dinner parties; while she was very sad to be leaving Ryan and Seth and Summer behind, she was thrilled to get back to Paris and school and her friends there. It was another world for her and for the life of her she could not decide which world she loved the most.

"Hey." It was Ryan; there was a mixture of sadness and happiness on his face as he joined Taylor. "Do you want to get out of here?"

"Sure." He took her hand and thought about Marissa and Taylor and how he loved them both. There was a sadness as they walked through the silent and green cemetery. As he gazed into her smiling eyes he felt an overwhelming despair about losing her forever. If she died, suddenly, he did not know how he would deal with it. Marissa had been very tough and he had just gotten through the months of sadness and loneliness. He did not think he could deal with it again. "Do you want to get some lunch?"

"I'd rather go back to your place—does your mom get home early today?"

"No—not until five." The death that hovered over him made him want to feel alive and suddenly he wanted very much to have physical contact, to be with Taylor and feel her body on his.

"We have time." She understood what he wanted and needed and felt weak in the knees at the prospect of what was coming next. They both needed to feel alive again, after being surrounded by so much death and sadness. She too longed for his body and the fire that burnt so steadily in her blood blazed brightly. "I love you." What had once been so hard to say now was easy for him. It wasn't that he loved her more than he ever loved Marissa—he was just more mature now and the words did not seem so scary. She did not respond—only took him by the waist and hugged him tightly and nestled her head on his shoulder.

"This summer went by fast."

"Too fast." They continued walking, silently, until they reached Taylor's car. "We had some good times."

"Good memories." As she started the car engine she thought of what the future would bring, and if it would ever be as perfect as this summer.


	6. Chapter 6

Kirsten Cohen never really missed her old home in Newport, but today she did. It was Thanksgiving Day and their home in Berkeley was just too small enough to accommodate Ryan, Sophie, Seth, Summer, Julie, Frank, their son William, and Kaitlin. It was really Kirsten's own fault; she had insisted that this year they would have Thanksgiving in Berkeley and so it was. As she watched Sandy cook the turkey and Ryan fix the stuffing, she thought of the crowded dining room and the many hungry persons at her table.

"I hope we have enough." No one answered Kirsten because they had had this discussion before—there was enough food. "I would hate if we ran out." Ryan simply smiled awkwardly at her and continued to watch the stuffing. "Have you heard from Taylor today?"

"No—not yet. She promised to call today but she wasn't sure when she would be free."

"She get her ticket yet?"

"Yea—she emailed me last night with the information." Taylor was finally able to fly again. She had won her appeal and would be flying home for four weeks during the winter break. "She says thanks again for the letter."

"Of course—I'd do anything for Taylor." Sandy seemed satisfied with the progress of the bird. "Are you guys still good?" Ryan wasn't always forthcoming with relationship information so Sandy felt the need to constantly check.

"Yes—I'm excited about seeing her." She was flying into Los Angeles and then spending a week with her mother and Julie and Summer; after that Summer was driving her back to Berkeley so they could spend a week or so with Ryan and the Cohens before starting her journey back to France. "She already has everything planned out."

"That's Taylor for you." Kirsten liked Taylor a lot. Yes she was a strange girl; she was very sweet and obviously had strong feelings for Ryan.

"Okay Sophie and Will are so cute." Summer burst through the kitchen door with Seth in her tow. Ever since she had finished with G.E.O.R.G.E. that summer, Seth and Summer were inseparable. "They are playing with the stuff turkeys and are so cute." Seth seemed uncomfortable by Summer's intense adoration of the children and smiled awkwardly. "I can't wait to have kids."

"You might want to finish Brown first." Kirsten warned. "Endangered animals are cute too." Summer had restarted Brown in the fall and was thriving.

"I know." She grabbed a piece of carrot that Ryan had not put in the stuffing and started to nimble on it. "They are just so cute."

"I wonder how many times she's going to use cute today." Seth's comment earned him a playful smack from Summer. "Has Taylor called yet? I want to tell her that she should expect to start planning a baby shower for Summer soon."

"I talked to her last night. She got her plane tickets yesterday."

"Good." Summer missed her friend's wackiness. "Put her on when she calls okay?"

"I will." Like a whirlwind, Summer propelled herself and Seth out of the kitchen.

"Sometimes I think those two have become attached at the waist or something." Ryan couldn't help but agree. Ever since Seth had come home for Thanksgiving, Summer was always at his side. He could understand that they wanted to spend as much time together as possible, but it annoyed him that he could never have quality Seth-Ryan time. "I wonder how they get by the school day?"

"Seth doesn't actually go to classes, he just follows Summer around." At first they didn't know if Ryan was joking—he was so dry and subtle but his shy smile convinced them that he was.

"It looks like the turkey is almost there—how's that stuffing?"

"Ready for the oven." The food was put in its proper places and the three went out into the dinning room. Summer was showing off a photo book to Julie and Frank while Kaitlin was playing with Sophie and her little brother. It was a happy family picture and Kirsten and Sandy were pleased. Moving to Berkeley was the smartest thing they could have ever done and they were both so happy.

"How's dinner looking?"

"Probably another half hour or so—the stuffing needs to cook." Seth made room for himself at Summer's arm and Ryan watched as she smiled at her boyfriend and kissed him on the cheek, obviously happy to have him by his side. Ryan missed Taylor terribly today. Ever since she had left for Europe he had missed her. They talked constantly and had both decided that since things were going so well between them, they would not see other people. He called Taylor his girlfriend and when a girl from class or at a party asked him for his number, he felt compelled to turn them down because he felt so sure in his relationship and his love.

"You look lonely there." It was Kaitlin. "Thinking about Taylor?"

"Yea—she's supposed to call."

"She will."

"You talk to her a lot?"

"Email once or twice a month. She talks about you a lot." Kaitlin almost sounded annoyed that the girl would ramble on so. In her mind, no guy was worth so much time—she wasn't nearly as boy crazy as her friends. "I approve."

"Well thanks. Have you sent off the Williams' application yet?"

"Just waiting on one more letter—she better hurry up though because it's due in like two weeks." She was also looking at UCLA and Pepperdine, but really wanted to go east. It was such a different world for her and Kaitlin craved something new.

"I think you'd really like it there."

"I loved the campus." She had really only thought about applying on a whim—they had sent her scholarship information and she had thought the campus pretty in the undergraduate catalog. It wasn't really until she had visited the campus with Julie and Bullitt that she had fallen in love with Williams and the idea of going there.

"You'll be fine either way."

"I know—I just really want to go there." Ryan knew how it felt to really want to go to a certain school—he had always felt Berkeley to be the place for him as soon as he felt it was a part of his future.

"I'm hungry" It was William, Sophie following at his side. When they saw each other the two children had the tendency to ignore everyone else.

"The turkey will come soon."

"Do you want to check and see if there is anything in the kitchen?" Sophie's eyes lit up at Ryan's suggestion. She worshiped her adoptive brother. "We can't spoil our appetites but there might be something we can have a quick snack on."

The two children loved the idea and so Kaitlin and Ryan shepherded them towards the food.


	7. Chapter 7

The beach was crowded with swimmers and sun-bathers and Seth, Ryan and Kaitlin all took turns admiring the attractive passer-bys. Newport, Rhode Island was certainly a wealthy place like their home in California, but it still had a different feel to it. The people back east seemed more serious and concerned with the world; for Ryan and Kaitlin, it seemed like that they had stumbled into another world.

"This is the life." Seth noticed a cute blonde walking by and smiled. "Girlfriend forty minutes away and all the pretty ladies about."

"Whatever Cohen, like you'd ever cheat on Summer." Kaitlin rolled her eyes at Seth. "Anyway, you know Summer would kick your ass if she ever caught you trying anything."

"It's try man—Summer would probably knock you out."

"Thanks for the support man." It was early July and the crowds that had come for July 4th were slowing dying. Ryan and Seth and Summer had all decided to stay in Rhode Island for the summer and had rented a beach house down in Newport for the duration of the season. Summer was taking nine credits at Brown over the summer so she would be able to graduate at the same time as Ryan and Seth. "What time does Bianca get off today?"

"Another two hours."

"What are you guys doing tonight?"

"I don't know—dinner and then dancing I'm sure." Ryan personally hated going to dance clubs, but new and pretty girlfriends must be kept happy. "What are you guys doing tonight?"

"Nothing really."

"I have a date." Kaitlin had come down a week ago and would be staying for the entire month before returning to California to get her things ready for Williams. "You know that guy Mark from the candy store?"

"Where is he taking you?"

"He hasn't told me."

"You guys should meet up with us tonight."

"Maybe—that might be cool." Kaitlin liked Bianca Moss—she was beautiful and funny and just what Ryan needed after the Taylor Townsend disaster.

"This is the life." Seth repeated again. They all silently agreed and stared off into the ocean. As Ryan listened to the buzz of conversations around him, he let his mind linger softly down the street and to the hotel Bianca worked at. They had met during the first week Ryan and Seth had arrived in Newport at a coffee shop and found an instant chemistry. He liked her a lot—she was funny and sweet and not at all intense—she would not bring him any drama or heartbreak. As he thought of Bianca and her toned, tan body, his mind momentarily fluttered across the Atlantic to Italy, where Taylor was—no, no need to think about her—that was over. He had washed his hands of her.

They had been having such a good run—Taylor and him. That Christmas had been a happy one, and Ryan was so in love with her and thought that things would continue on perfectly until she was done with school; he should have known better—things never continue on perfectly if your name is Ryan Atwood. The spring semester came and his life suddenly got extremely busy, so too with Taylor's. They were not able to talk as often and in retrospect, Ryan was so busy and too distracted with his own studies that he did not notice how flighty and nervous Taylor was getting in her emails and over the phone.

One day in late February the truth finally came spilling out of her. Earlier that month she had gone out with two American friends and had drunk a good deal of quality wine--the girl had no real head for alcohol so it made her a little more wild and adventurous then normal. She got drunk, and in her drunken state decided that she too wanted to have some of the absinthe her friends were going to drink. It was really the absinthe that caused what happened next, the wine was not enough for Taylor to completely let down her guard and give free reign to her inhibitions. Suffice to say, she did things with one of her American friends that she regretted horribly in the morning, and that Ryan was not at all pleased to hear about. It pleased him even less to hear this had happened nearly a month ago. It had been a stupid mistake, Taylor had pleaded, and she felt so horrible about it but Ryan could not get past the fact that she had cheated on him and hid the fact until now.

She was bawling over the phone as she dropped the next bombshell. She had also been spending time with her ex-husband, Henri-Michel. Ryan really lost it then; Taylor had failed to mention this fact because she didn't want to make Ryan jealous. Why would he be jealous if there was nothing going on between then—Taylor swore there was not, that they were just friends but Ryan was beyond listening now. As he swore and yelled and screamed about his inability to trust her any longer and her obvious lack of faith in him and the strength of the relationship, he suddenly became very tired of her voice and her and their whole relationship. He hung up on her.

That was the end of things. She called him back, pleading and crying but his heart was shut off to her now. He told her in no uncertain terms that they were through, and that he was washing his hands of her. They hadn't spoken since. Seth obviously was on his side, so too was Kaitlin. Summer found herself stuck in the middle of the two; she admitted Taylor had made a serious of dumb mistakes, but felt that was trustworthy and while she did not approve of waiting so long to tell Ryan the mistakes she had made, understand the reasoning behind them. In Summer's mind, Ryan was being too stubborn and severe while Taylor had just been plain dumb. The damage was done, however. Ryan had had his heart broken by Taylor and was now just starting to move on with Bianca.

"All these girls are making me miss Summer."

"Ew." Kaitlin gathered what he was implying and did not appreciate that mental image. "Anyone want a drink?"

"A lemonade?" Kaitlin went off with money and Seth went back to watching the pretty girls frolic in the sand. He hadn't spoken to Taylor since late February, but because of Summer's friendship with the girl, got some news about her. Like Ryan, she had been heartbroken but was slowly recovering and healing. Her ex-husband had invited her to spend the summer in Rome with him and some friends; he was trying to put together a poetic epic on the history of the city of Rome and needed the Vatican Library to research the early Christian history of the city. From what he gathered from Summer, Taylor was happy in Rome; he also gathered that there was nothing going on between Henri-Michel and Taylor; that they were just friends and always had been just friends. He had been wrong in that, but the damage was done and he didn't want to think about that anymore. The past was the past and his relationship and love for Taylor Townsend was done.


	8. Chapter 8

Ryan Atwood tried to study but could not. There she was, the object of his infatuation and recent obsessions and he could not take his eyes off her. He had been minding his own business, studying for his Roman Architecture exam, when she had entered the cafeteria and sat down two tables next to him.

Of course, the girl was oblivious. She ate her salad and read the campus newspaper not noticing him; the girl didn't know what effect she was having on Ryan Atwood and probably didn't care either. Her name was Rose Burstein and she was beautiful. Her hair was long and black and she had large, deep chocolate colored eyes. Ryan had first set eyes on her a week before, when a friend had dragged him to see the campus production of _She Stoops to Conquer_. Ryan had been mildly amused by the play until the midway point of the first act, when Rose, playing the witty Constance Neville, stepped onto the stage. Ryan was enchanted by her voice and her beauty; then her 1000 watt smile completely bewitched him.

Ryan was smitten by the end of the play, so much so that he came back the next two nights to see her perform. He didn't tell his friends about it—no, they would laugh at him. Here she was now however, beautiful and right next to him. He had seen her across campus once or twice, but never this close. By the time he had worked up the courage to approach her, she had been taken off by friends. There were no friends around now—if he was going to make his move it would be have to be now. Putting his book away, Ryan took a deep breath and steeled himself inside. Yes, he would approach her and ask her out. It was time to see if she was as lovely in real life as on stage; the spell she had cast over him was about to be either broken or enhanced. There was only one way to find out…

"Hey, I'm Ryan."

"Hi, Rose." She looked up from her newspaper and smiled. Yes—she was just as lovely in the sunlight as under stage lighting. "How's it going?"

"Good." For a second Ryan was at loss for words and Rose frowned slightly. What exactly did this boy want? "I saw you in the play."

"Oh yea? What did you think?"

"You were great." She liked that—when she smiled it took his breath away and he was momentarily stunned; Ryan had never seen such a bewitching smile before. "Really great."

"Good." They looked at each other in silence. Rose obviously seemed interested in him—she felt the same attraction Ryan felt but didn't know how to proceed. "Are you with the paper Ryan—do you want an interview?"

"Coffee."

"Excuse me?"

"Do you want coffee sometime?"

"I gue—"

"With me—do you want to have coffee with me?"

"Starbucks?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Do you want to go to Starbucks?"

"Sure."

"No." His face fell in disappointment. "I hate Starbucks—pick another place."

"Java Joe's?"

"Even worse." Rose threw down her fork in mock horror. "Do you actually like coffee?"

"I think so." He suddenly wasn't sure about anything except that she was bewildering him. "How about Route 75?"

"Yes, I like that idea. Pie?"

"What?"

"Do I get pie if I agree?"

"Of course." Rose seemed satisfied.

"Even if I want blueberry and then change my mind in the middle of our date?"

"Anything you want." Ryan laughed; she was hard to keep up with. "Is it a yes?"

"When were you thinking?" She retrieved her fork and started to pick at her salad again. "I have class tonight."  
"Tomorrow night? Around eight?" Rose pondered for a moment or two as she examined a piece of lettuce.

"That sounds nice. I'm at Berry, room 623."

"Great." He reached over to the pen that was lying by Rose's salad and proceeded to write down both his phone number and Rose's dorm and his phone number. "Call me if you change your mind."

"I won't." Ryan Atwood smiled shyly and thanked good fortune and his boldness for another conquest. "Are you Jewish by chance?"

"Kind of." This raised an eyebrow: Ryan continued. "My parent's aren't anything but my adoptive father is and I had a _Bar Mitzvah_ thrown for me." It had really been thrown to raise money for Johnny Harper, a friend of Marissa's, but it had been a _Bar Mitzvah_ nonetheless. "So I guess in name I am."

"Are your adoptive parents religious? Do they keep Kosher?"

"No not really. Why?" The line of questioning was suddenly confusing—he didn't know much about being Jewish. Was going for coffee a sin or something?

"My dad's a Rabbi—my parents are Conservative and it sounds like your people are Reform—I was just wondering." In truth, Rose was always looking for ways to rebel against her Conservative parents. She had given up being Kosher as a way of rebellion and also found that dating Reform Jews, or worse, non-Jews, to be an even better way to rebel. "Coffee sounds great though."

"Great—I guess I'll be seeing you."

"I guess so." Ryan said his goodbyes and grabbed his things. As he was leaving the cafeteria, he stole one more glance at Rose. Their eyes met and she flashed him another heartbreakingly beautiful smile. He was smitten but it was all right. He was infatuated with a beautiful girl and she had said yes to him. That's all that really mattered now.


	9. Chapter 9

"This has been a pretty wonderful night." Ryan squeezed Rose's hand tightly and kissed her. It had been a wonderful evening so far, and Ryan hoped that the best was yet to come. It was New Years Eve in San Francisco and the two were celebrating the evening with Alton, his girlfriend Jenny and Seth. Ryan had separated Rose and himself from the other three for a moment to have a quiet moment. "Did I thank you for dinner?"

"At least five times." Rose smiled and kissed him. They were so happy, and for Ryan, he felt head over heels in love for her. It was strange; usually it was the girl that fell in love first, but not this time around. He was wild about her, and though they had not said those magic words yet, he was sure that the words would come to them both eventually. "Do you think Seth is having an all right time?"

"Yea—he seems to be getting along with Jenny pretty well."

"I hope Summer doesn't have too much fun tonight and forget to call."

"Taylor won't let her." Summer was in France, spending her winter break with Taylor in Paris. She had wanted Seth to go, but he had turned down the offer. He had claimed solidarity for the 'We Hate Taylor Club', even though Ryan didn't really hate Taylor anymore and wouldn't have thought Seth a bad friend if he had gone to Paris. As it were, Summer was in France along with Veronica Townsend and was celebrating the New Year in the French capital.

"Did I tell you that my brother was thinking about proposing tonight?"

"Oh yea—do you think Mary will say yes?"

"Of course." Rose sighed and stared off into the nighttime sky. "My parents are not going to be happy."

"Mary won't convert?"

"No—so there won't be a Jewish ceremony and he's even talking about not raising the kids Jewish." Rose, despite her mixed feelings about her faith, was appalled that her brother would marry a non-Jew and not raise children according to the religion. "I don't know if my parents are going to acknowledge the engagement."

"I thought they liked her." He had met both Ian and Mary at Thanksgiving and liked them both. Sure, Rose's parents were intense and scary, but her brother and his girlfriend had both been very welcoming and kind.

"They like her as a girlfriend, but not as anything more serious—certainly not as a wife and mother." For her parents, especially her rabbi father, the fact that their eldest child, their pride and joy, was marrying a Catholic girl was a large embarrassment and almost a disgrace. "I know it sounds weird, your family is so different—but there's a lot of pressure of us to marry within the religion." Rose was thrilled that Ryan was Jewish—at least in name. He didn't seem to care about faith, but she had a feeling that he would allow her to raise their children—if they were ever married—to be Jewish and knowledgeable about the faith. "I'm really glad that you are Jewish—I don't know if we could really be serious if you weren't."

"I'm glad too." The whole situation was just bewildering to Ryan, but it seemed important to Rose and was therefore, important to him too. "Don't let it get to you."

"It won't." She thanked him for being such a sweetheart and thought again how lucky she was to have him in her life. "You take really good care of me." It was on the tip of Ryan's tongue to say the magic words when Seth and Alton and Jenny came over.

"I just saw some guy selling hotdogs and funnel cakes and it made me almost want to throw up."

"Well you did just eat an entire cow."

"Plus sides." Seth was enjoying himself. He did miss Summer, but the thought of spending two weeks with Taylor and her mom and Henri-Michel did not really appeal to him. Both Summer and Taylor swore up and down that Henri-Michel was just a friend, but Seth had his own beliefs and felt that out of loyalty to Ryan, should hate Henri-Michel and Taylor for the pain they had caused his best friend.

"What time does everything get started?" Alton had changed since his freshman year; the playboy of the past had been changed into a loyal, caring boyfriend. He had been seeing Jenny since the summer, and they were already talking about getting married. It was all too soon in Ryan's eyes. Even if he and Rose stayed together for another two years or so, there was a lot both wanted to do before getting married and starting a family. Though Ryan would probably never say it, he felt that Summer and Seth were too eager to marry so young.

"Ten I think."

"That's when the band comes on."

"They any good?"

"Not bad—I saw them when they opened for _Press-It Seal-It_ and they sounded all right."

"The one thing I miss about Newport is the music scene—we don't get many good acts." To catch good music, Seth usually had to head up to Boston, which was fun but not as convenient as the Bait Shop. "Did you go back home when the _Killers _came down?" It wasn't really home for either of them, but both Ryan and Seth had a hard time not calling Newport home.

"No I was too busy."

"He was helping me with my lines that night—he's such a sweetheart." Rose wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed Ryan tightly. "I would have been the worst Ophelia ever if not for Ryan."

"Well he's really a friend to all." Seth liked Rose well enough, but he had seen Ryan go through so many girls that it was hard to get attached to anyone. Ryan did seem happy though, so Rose scored a lot of points for that. In the three months that they had been dating, Ryan hadn't experienced any drama or hadn't had any fights with Rose so that was good. There had been a time when it appeared that Taylor Townsend was going to be the future Mrs. Ryan Atwood, but she had derailed the relationship so Seth wasn't entirely trusting of Ryan's future with Rose.

"Where do you guys want to go until ten? I mean—we have at least forty-five minutes to kill."  
"We can see if we can get a better view on the other end of the pier. I honestly don't know which way the fireworks are going to come from."

"Where's the band going to be?"

"Over on this side—but we could always see what's going on over there and come back here for a while. I don't have to see them again." Everyone agree on that plan of action and started to walk down the pier. As they walked Rose suddenly stopped and held Ryan back.

"I wanted to tell you something before all these romantic feelings passed."

"Oh yea—what's that?"

"I love you." As she said the words she flashed that heartbreakingly beautiful smile that made him catch his breath. "I really love."

"I love you too." He kissed her and the world seemed to stop.


	10. Chapter 10

Ryan hated funerals and as he stood beside the gravesite of Dr. Neil Roberts, he was highly uncomfortable. The presiding minister began to issue the final rites and the only sound beyond the minister's was Summer's stifled sobs. It had happened all so suddenly. A week ago, Dr. Roberts was a healthy man; then suddenly a heart attack had carried him off because he had even reached his 60th birthday. Ryan watched Summer suffer in agony as Seth tried to comfort her. Ryan had never seen Summer broken down like this before and it crushed him to see her like that. He hated feeling helpless but that is how it was. He was helpless as his friends suffered.

It was a gorgeous early June day and the hanging cloud of death seemed out of place in the otherwise green world that surrounded them. Ryan looked at each somber face and wondered how life would be without them. Rose at his side stood silently, impassively. The words, mainly about Christ and the Holy Spirit, probably were strange to her—they certainly were a bad reminder of her own family life and the chaos Ian had caused by his decision to convert to Catholicism. It had been a crushing blow to all three when he had decided to join his Mary's faith. Rose was only going to the wedding because of her strong love for her brother—her parents were not.

He loved Rose and as he thought about her missing in his life, Ryan suddenly became dizzy and sick to his stomach. He squeezed her hand and she smiled back at him, beautiful. Ryan continued to look around the funeral party. Seth and Summer of course would be a horrible loss to him, and he tried to think as little as possible about it. Sandy and Kirsten stood there, watching silently and sadly as Summer cried away her shock and despair. Like Ryan, they wanted desperately to help the girl but knew that right now, she was in her own world of pain and sorrow. One day she would allow them to enter, but not now. Julie and Frank too watched on in concern. Summer was like a daughter to Julie and she had once loved Neil. If anyone was suffering as Summer, Julie had the largest claim. Ryan watched as silent tears fell from her eyes.

His gaze now moved towards Taylor and her mother. It was agreed by all that Taylor had been amazing in coming. She had just graduated from the Sorbonne when she had gotten word about Dr. Neil's death and despite Summer's protests, had found the first flight out of France and had been flying since that morning. The girl looked tired and sad; she and Ryan had exchanged a brief, sad and awkward hello before the start of the services but now he terribly wanted to talk to her. Seeing her, knowing and feeling her nearness, he suddenly realized that he missed her, and wanted her apart of his life. If were to die, he would be crushed because no matter how badly she had hurt him, he had imagined that one day they would be friends again.

"Summer wants to see Marissa." The service was over and Seth seemed very old and wise as he spoke. Leading a still crying Summer by the hand, he walked the girl up the hill to where Marissa lay buried. Ryan and Rose followed slowly behind them and as Ryan glanced behind him, he could see Taylor and Veronica Townsend talking to Julie and Frank.

"That was a pretty service." Rose was always awed by death. Her grandfather had died when she was very young and the memory of his service still was vivid to this day. The thought of the utter finality of death was something that had stunned her then and it still had the power to stun her now. She always felt very small when she thought about the mortality of human life—only fools thought that they would live forever.

"It was." Rose had certainly found religion in the past year—but Ryan wasn't convinced it was a good thing. Ever since her brother had converted—been brainwashed as Rose's parents called it—Rose had discovered a new found interest and passion for her parent's Conservative faith. It had started by her starting to eat Kosher—by her giving up pork and shellfish and mixing dairy and meat and then had evolved into going to Temple services every Saturday morning and buying new silverware and cutlery for dairy products. Ryan didn't necessarily mind her newfound enthusiasm but Rose increasingly expressed disappointment that Ryan didn't follow the same dietary habits as she and didn't go to Synagogue every Saturday with her.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I—" They were interrupted by Summer and Seth coming upon Marissa's grave. As the watched the girl crumble down next to her best friend's final resting place, the sadness overwhelmed them both.

"Why did you have to die?" Summer brushed her fingers along Marissa's name and then kissed the stone. "I miss you so much."

"We all miss her."

"It's funny."

"What's funny?"

"I'm not even twenty-two and my two best friends are dead." Her voice, which had been sunken in heartbreak, now broke out in a cold bitterness. "There isn't a God—there can't be a God out there if things like this can happen."

"We should go." Seth was getting nervous. Summer had been hysterical all day and had just calmed down some during the actual funeral service—he didn't want her to lose it again.

"You go down—I want to be with Marissa."

"Summ—"

"I want to be alone."

"Let's go Seth—she'll be all right."

"Thanks Ryan." When she smiled, Ryan caught a glimpse of the Summer of old—she would be fine. As they were walking down the hill, Taylor was coming towards them. She flashed them a sad smile.

"Thanks again for coming Taylor." Seth, for all his negative comments and loyal feelings towards Ryan, felt a lot of love and affection for Taylor now.

"Of course. How is she?"

"Bad—but she'll get better."

"Can I go and see her?"

"In a bit—she said she wanted to be with Marissa." As soon as she had heard what had happened, Taylor had booked a plane ticket and had spared no expense at getting home to Newport. She desperately wanted to be with Summer right now, but knew she had to give the grieving your woman some space and time. She turned her attention to Rose, whom she had met briefly before the start of the funeral.

"Are you guys staying for the wake?"

"Yes—are you?"

"I am—my mom is staying for just a second or two and then has to head off to Phoenix." As she spoke the words, Veronica Townsend called her daughter away so they could head to the wake.

"We should probably head over too."

"I'll go get Summer." They watched as Seth ran up the hill and knelt down next to his girlfriend.

"Taylor is sweet."

"It was really sweet of her to come."

"Is it weird seeing her again?"

"Only a little."

"You missed her?" Rose had a knack for telling what was going on in Ryan's mind and heart.

"Not really until today." Whatever it was, her reappearance on the scene had unlocked a formerly closed door of emotions. It was not any sort of love, but rather a hope that they could rekindle some sort of friendship. They had been so close once, and then nothing.

"You should catch up with her at the wake."

"You don't mind?"

"Not at all." Seth and Summer rejoined them and they continued to walk on in silence.


	11. Chapter 11

The wake was being held at Julie's home and the tight quarters are fairly uncomfortable. Most of the guests took advantage of the nice weather and started roaming out into the back yard and Julie was thankful that she had planted roses earlier in the year because they were now blooming proudly and were a fine contrast to the sadness of the day.

"How are you mom?" Kaitlin hated to see her mother sad and had watched her crying silently before Julie and Frank had left for the service; Kaitlin had only stayed behind to watch over William—Frank hadn't wanted the boy to see death so early in his life. "Can I make you a sandwich?"

"No thank you sweetie—I'm okay." She excused herself so she could say hello to a guest that had just arrive and Kaitlin watched as her mother switched into the mode of a hostess. The girl had been barely home from Williams for a week when Dr. Roberts died and it made her miss her boyfriend very much. She had heard that death always made one long for human contact and animal passions, and it was certainly true for her now. Dr Roberts had for a short period of time been a father-figure, or at least an attempted one, and even though she had never cared for the man, he had been kind to Julie and a loving father for Summer and she hated to see people she love go through such an unspeakable pain.

"Hey Kaitlin." It was Taylor, newly arrived from France and worse for the wear. "How are you?" The girl hugged Kaitlin and for Kaitlin it seemed like she had stepped back in time, when everyone still lived in Newport.

"I'm fine—how are you? How is France?"

"Great—I just finished school."

"That's good. Are you back in America for good?"

"No—I'm only here for a couple of days and then I'm off to Germany." Her two American friends had invited her to spend the summer in Germany with them and so Taylor and her mother—once she was back from an emergency meeting in Phoenix—were going to meet up with Trevor and Adam and take a leisurely journey through the German nation. "You should meet up with us in Berlin."

"Can't—summer school." Kaitlin had no real desire to go anywhere with Taylor and her mother, little alone Germany, but it was a nice offer nonetheless. "Have you seen Ryan and Rose?"  
"They came in with Seth and Summer and I think they went straight upstairs to put Summer to bed."

"She was pretty bad today—she could use some sleep." The two girls wandered over to the soda bottles in silence and Kaitlin mumbled a thank-you as Taylor poured the girl out some soda. "Was it weird seeing Ryan again?"

"No—not really. I mean, it was a little awkward at first, but I'm sure it'll be fine." Taylor was not surprised at the initial awkwardness between them, but when she had run into him after the service, she had been surprised by how comfortable she had felt being near him and talking to him. "I really hope we can be friends after all that I did."

"He's the forgiving sort." There was no need for Taylor to ask if he was happy with Rose. Summer had told her a little about the relationship but the one thing she never failed to mention was that they were happy together; Taylor was glad for it. They had both survived the break up fine and Taylor was very pleased and proud of the life she had carved out for herself in France. "I'll be right back—I have to go tell Frank something."

Kaitlin scampered off and Taylor stood silently drinking her soda, watching people come in and out of the living room. Some wore sad faces, some wore happy ones. Her own heart was depressed and lonely. It was strange being back in Newport and though she was looking forward to her summer in Germany, the fact that she had no real plans for the future unnerved her. Could she come back to America? Could she come back to Newport and all this? A part of her really wanted to stay and live the rest of her life in Paris, but another part of her missed Summer and her mother horribly. As she thought about Ryan and what they once shared, she knew she missed him terribly too.

"Hey I was looking for you." Ryan Atwood, the man she had once loved, was there before her. "I wanted to talk to you."

"I wanted to talk to you too." She flashed her brilliant smile and put down her soda as Ryan led her out of the living room and into the backyard, near the rose bushes.

"They're pretty aren't they?"

"They remind me of the botanical garden in San Francisco."

"Yea—that's what I thought of when I first saw them." That day was etched vividly in his mind—it had been such a beautiful day and when they had walked along the roses, Ryan had thought there was not a more perfect girl in the world than Taylor. "I'm really glad that you came."

"I wish it was for a better reason." The smell of the roses was decedent and fell heavy on her nostrils. "How's school?"

"One more year."

"Are you excited about being a senior?"

"I guess-I have a lot more years to go."

"Same with me." Though she didn't know where or when she was going to go to school, she knew that she wanted to get her Master's and Doctoral degrees in Psychology.

"Do you want to be a psychologist still?"

"Or a relationship counselor."

"You'd be good at that." A large, fat, bumble bee lighted down on a rose and sat quietly for a moment or two before taking off again. The buzzing of the bee filled Taylor's ear. "I kind of want to get out of Berkeley and go to school in L.A.

"UCLA?"

"Southern." They had one of the best graduate architecture programs in the state and Ryan's grades were certainly good enough. "Are you going to stay in America now that you're done?"

"No—I'm going with some friends for the summer to Germany. My mom is coming as far as Berlin and then going back. We might spend the autumn in Vienna." Ryan laughed and Taylor's hazel eyes flashed in amusement. "What?"

"You've always been the traveler. How many places have you been?"

"Greece and Turkey that first year." She started to count with her fingers and she relived the past. "Then Rome—Spain and Portugal over Easter break, the Italian Alps for a week—I tried to learn skiing—and now Germany and possibly Vienna."

"You've seen a lot."

"I have haven't I?" Her hazel eyes drew Ryan into her and for the first time he realized that she still had a power over him.

"You sound happy."

"I am happy—very happy. You sound happy too."

"I am. Rose is very sweet. How about you, any men?"

"No—no one serious since you actually."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be—I'm not." The girl laughed and Ryan was again struck how that laugh, that smile of hers and those brilliant hazel eyes could move him. "My life in Europe is a good one and I don't have regrets. Do you?"

"Only one."

"Oh?"

"That I cut you off the way I did."

"It was my fault." Neither wanted to look about at that time. They had come to a precipice and neither side wanted to take that leap. The words lay unspoken in the warm summer air. "I want to ask you something."

"What?"

"May I write to you? While I'm in Germany I mean."

"Yes—I was going to ask you the same thing."

"You can write to my Paris address—all my mail gets forwarded from them—I probably won't be around too many computers but I really want to stay in touch."

"I do too." She grabbed him hand and squeezed it very tightly.

"I've missed you a lot."

"I did too—I didn't realize it until now."

"Same with me." She grasped his hand for a second longer and then let go. She was about to ask where Rose was when Seth appeared from inside the house and called for Taylor. Summer couldn't sleep and wanted to see Taylor—she had been asking for her all day.

"I guess I should go." The girl gave Ryan a sad smile and she looked very tired for a moment. "Do I look any different?"

"As beautiful as ever." He hadn't meant to say those words, but they came out of his mouth before he had time to check himself. Taylor liked that and as she walked inside the house, she turned him and gave him that pretty look that he had fallen in love with so long ago.


	12. Chapter 12

Ryan pushed his math book to the side and dropped the newly arrived mail on the kitchen table. As he looked over the first item, a sports magazine, Ryan cursed his senioritis. It was early September, school had only started a week ago, but yet he was already over the semester. He knew he had to really buckle down this last year—his future depended on it, but as of yet, he could not.

His interest in the magazine not being held, Ryan turned to the next piece of mail and smiled. It was a letter from Taylor. They had parted on very good terms at Dr Roberts' wake and Taylor wrote him about two letters a month about her adventures. She and Ryan had agreed that writing was really the best way; she was very busy and so frequent phone calls were both ineffective and highly expensive. Email, she had told him, lacked a certain charm that did a discredit to her travels—besides, she had things to do and delicious foods to eat—why waste money at internet cafes?

Ryan opened the letter and began to read:

_Dear Ryan,_

_I hope that all is well with you; the last letter you sent me sounded a little sad. Have things gotten better between you and Rose or is she still giving you a hard time? I hope that things are better for you, you seemed so happy about you and her in June. _

_Guess where I am? I'm on a train bound for Prague. Austria and Vienna are history! We left Berlin two weeks ago after my mom left—she was sad to go and I was sad to let her go!—and headed down to Leipzig because Adam loves both Bach and Goethe and wanted to walk the streets of his favorite author. What can I say about Leipzig? It's very pretty—you would love the architecture, but I always say that in every letter don't I? Of course it's like every old German city, and I don't doubt you'd be bored after the first few days, but we ended up staying a lot longer then we planned because we have met some fascinating people. We went to the opera the first two nights in the city and I ran into a man I knew through Henri-Michal before leaving Paris for the first time that second night._

"_You're still as beautiful as ever." He told me, even though I had no idea of who he was or how I knew him. The man—Ludwig Fechner—was upset that I didn't know him but I met so many of Henri-Michal's friends that it's still a blur to me. It turns out that he teaches Philosophy at the university here—it's one of the oldest in Europe—and we had a very nice chat during the performance. As we were saying goodbye to one another, he invited the three of us to a ball being held the next evening at the mayor's home. What an opening! _

_Of course we went and let me tell you Ryan, it was one of the most beautiful scenes I have ever seen. The room was bathed in the light of an uncountable amount of crystals and mirrors and it seemed like every available space was stuffed with summer flowers. The smell was delicious and decadent; it was like being at a party in a florist's shop and at the end of the night, I don't know how many flowers were given to me. _

_Would it surprise you if I told you we were a hit at this ball? The mayor danced with me twice and complimented me on my dress—I was very lucky in finding a good dress shop on such short notice—and Trevor and Adam both looked very good. I believe we were the only Americans at the party—there were about 400 there that night—so we were a curiosity. Everyone loved that fact that the American government thought I was a terrorist—that story always gets a good laugh_…

"What are you reading?" Rose glided into the kitchen and gave Ryan a peck on the cheek.

"Taylor." He held up Taylor's letter and asked if he had completely missed Rose's knocking at the door. She had a spare key to the place but usually knocked before letting herself in.

"The door was unlocked so I just came in—that's okay right?"

"Of course." He smiled at her as she sat down next to him. The time they had spent since that early day in June when they had gone down to Newport had been tough. Her parent's were constantly pushing her and pressuring her to embrace their ideas of Judaism and Rose, who felt both guilty about letting her parents down and determined to hold steady to her faith, was ready to go along with that they wanted. For Ryan, he found himself increasingly falling out of favor in her parent's eyes and more and more excluded from her world.

"How's studying going?"

"I can't get into it—how was rehearsal?"

"Sam says I make a fine Perdita." She was again playing a Shakespearian leading lady, this time staring in _The Winter's Tale_. "How is Taylor?"

"Good—she's going to Prague."

"Oh, what happened to Vienna?"

"Don't know—haven't gotten to that part yet." Since she wrote twice a month, Taylor's letters could be long. Though she was much less a rambler in her speech, her letters still contained traces of the Taylor Ryan had first fallen in love with years ago.

"I'll let you finish."

"It's fine." Ryan folded up the letter and put it in his pocket. "What do you want for dinner?"

"I'm in the mood for a steak."

"I can do that." Rose shook her head and Ryan remembered that he hadn't bough the kosher steak yet like she had asked. "I can run out and get some."

"I'd like that." She smiled but in her heart she was disappointed that he kept of forgetting things like that. Rose had asked him to do so a week ago but still nothing. Throughout the summer they had had that problem: Rose would ask him to do something, usually about picking up kosher meats or cheeses or picking up a new set of dishware so he could have a dairy set for him, and he would forget or take a long time in getting the task done. "What do you want to make with it?"

"Rice—maybe mash potatoes and a veggie.." He trailed off when he saw her frowning and then cursed himself. He could never remember that one never ate anything dairy with meat. A cheese burger was easy to remember, so was ham or pork—but he usually completely overlooked the fact that mash potatoes required milk and therefore would not work. "I'm sorry—I always forget."

"I know." Rose pouted and Ryan could read the annoyance on her face. "I wish you'd remember." She snapped at him, not really meaning too. Rose truly loved Ryan, but the fact that he was not technically Jewish—neither his real nor adoptive mother was Jewish—was becoming a larger and larger problem for her. She had hoped that he'd jump on board the reforms she was trying to bring about 100 per cent; so far he had been disinterested.

"Sorry." The words came out of his mouth but his deep blue eyes told a different story. "It's hard for me."

"Why?" They'd had this conversation a number of times over the summer, but it didn't matter, they always seemed to go back to it. "Why can't you be more on board about this?"

"It just doesn't seem right."

"What doesn't?"

"Giving up the things you're asking me too—I just can't get into it." He paused, hoping that this time the words would sink in and connect. "I love that you're so interested in your faith, but it isn't for me."

"But don't you see—it has to be."

"Why?"

"Because I love you." Rose had been holding onto this card for a long time now, but she was tired of this fight as much as he was, and felt the need to play it.

"I love you too."

"It's more than that." She took his hands in hers, ready to take the plunge. "I can see us getting married." Ryan sat there, stunned. These were words he had not been expecting. "Ryan?"

"I heard you." He was trying to think, trying to process this all.

"What are you thinking?" Rose knew she had to be patient—she had just dropped a large bomb on him. "Be honest."

"I've been thinking about that too." There had been a few times in the eleven months that they had been dating—fairly recently mostly—that Ryan had stopped and thought to himself that Rose could be the one for him. They were both mature young adults who loved each other and got a long great, why not think about it?

"So don't you see why this is so important to me?"

"But I am Jewish—I had a Bar Mitzvah and…"

"You had it to raise money for someone else. Ryan—your mom isn't Jewish, you know that's what matters."

"What do you want to me to do?"

"I want you to be serious about it—go to services with me on Saturday mornings, keep Kosher; I want you to take Hebrew lessons with me and take classes about the Torah from Rabbi Horowitz."

"I'm not really the religious type Rose—you know that."

"Will you do it for me?" Her dark eyes were passionate, the air in the room seemed heavy and Ryan had a hard time thinking.

"Why is this so important to you? Why do you need me to be so on board?"

"Don't you see I have to marry someone who truly embraces and believes in the faith?"

"This is your parents talking." He wanted to get up and leave, he wanted to get away and come back and find the Rose of old—the one that loved him and accepted him no matter what.

"This is me talking Ryan—this is who I am now." Tears of frustration were forming in her eyes; why couldn't he get the point?

"You're asking a lot. Why would you want me to do something that I'm not really interested in or understand?"

"You'd understand if you gave it a chance." He laughed at that. "What?"

"You act like I've never tried."

"Have you?"

"I went to temple with you when we first started dating and then again when your brother got engaged and converted. It's not me Rose—never has been and probably never will be."

"I don't know if I can be with you then." If Ryan had been standing, those words would have knocked him off his feet. He had never really considered that she'd completely leave him over this. What was going on? "You need to think about that Ryan."

"I guess I do." He was at a loss of words and she seemed suddenly so far away from him, so closed off.

"I'm not really hungry anymore."

"Yea." Food was the last thing on his mind.

"I'm going to go—I'll call you later." She got up and left. His mind was on fire as she walked out the apartment door. As Rose closed the door, Ryan grabbed the sports magazine he had been looking at earlier and through it across the kitchen.


	13. Chapter 13

It was 3:10 and Taylor was late. When they had been dating, Taylor had always been so punctual so her current lateness was new to Ryan. She hadn't called saying she was going to be late, so a part of him was worried about her safety but he knew through Summer—and had a sense from Taylor's letters—that this was a new and improved Taylor Townsend. Ryan went back to looking at the newspapers and glanced over the movie selections. He wasn't exactly sure what to plan for that evening; in the past, Taylor had been easy to please with a movie and take-out food, but now, who knew? He didn't want the girl to be bored so Ryan was being extra choosey with the night's plans.

There was a knock at the door; it was she. Taylor Townsend beamed a smile and hugged Ryan tightly. "Sorry I'm late—I got lost for a second and had to turn around." She looked very beautiful and Ryan was impressed by how comfortable he felt near her. There had been a mutual concern that this weekend might be awkward because though they got a lot well by letter and phone, spending time together face to face could be weird.

"I was worried—the Taylor I knew never was late."

"That was annoying, wasn't it?"

"Never." She laughed and started to look around the apartment. It was simply decorated but tasteful. The set up of the apartment was exactly as Taylor would have imagined it would be. "What do you think of the place?"

"It's nice—very Spartan."

"Are you hungry? There's a good sandwich shop a few blocks away."

"I'm starving. Can we walk?"

"Let me get my keys." Though in was early February, the weather was fine and Taylor wanted to get a renewed sense as to what Berkeley was like on foot. She was up here in Berkeley to both visit Ryan and to check out the University of California and their psychology department.

"Do you have a lot of work this weekend?" They walked along the street and watched as three bicyclists whizzed by.

"Not too much—I got most of it done last night." A comfortable silence overcame them for a few moments and it allowed Taylor to give a closer inspection of Ryan. He certainly looked good and she could still feel the romantic chemistry between them.  
"How's work?"

"It's a paycheck." She had been back in Newport since early January and since she needed money and something to do with herself, Julie Cooper had set her up with a job as an office manager with a small software company. "There're some girls in the office our age so we go out for drinks sometimes."

"What else do you do down there?"

"Work, spend time with my mom, hang out with Julie and your dad. He sends his love by the way."

"I talked to him a couple of days ago—sounds like Will is being a terror."

"He's a bundle. I've babysat for them once or twice and let me tell you Ryan—it's kind of making me rethink the whole having kids thing." They reached the sandwich shop and Taylor thanked him as he held the door open for her. As she walked by, he found his eyes taking in her legs and lower body. He hadn't noticed any women since Rose had left him in early November, but now he was noticing Taylor. The memories of her toned, slender body under his rushed back over him and as he stood next to her waiting for the hostess, Ryan found himself stealing a glance at her pretty breasts. Taylor smiled at him and she seemed to know what he was doing and thinking.

"I brought pictures."

"How many albums did Germany and Prague create?"

"Six—but don't worry, I only brought three with me. I didn't want to overwhelm you." Their hostess lead them to their table and promised that they waitress would be over soon. "What's good here?"

"I usually get the French dip or the tuna melt." Her hazel eyes were on him and he wondered what was going on in that fast-paced mind of hers. As she examined the menu, Ryan watched her and fell back into the past, when they had dated. Taylor was different now. There was a quiet poise about her that suggested a maturity greater than her age. Certainly all the years aboard had helped create it. There was also a confidence about her that was no doubt the creation of Taylor's close and constantly improving relationship with her mother. The need to have love and validation was gone now as Ryan watched her, he realized for the first time with true insight that this was not the Taylor he had dated, but a new woman, almost a stranger that he had to learn anew. He had trapped Taylor in his mind as the girl had had dated in Newport –even when they had dated in college he had trapped her in the past, even though she was growing up, as he was. Now, for the first, Ryan was faced with the stark realization that he had been living in the past in regards to this girl, and needed to embrace fully the new one.

"What are you thinking about?" Her hazel eyes shinned with amusement. He had gone to a completely different place and she had caught him. "Am I boring you already?" She laughed. "This is a bad beginning to our weekend!"

"I was thinking about trying something new for lunch." Almost as if she had been listening in to the conversation, the waitress appeared, pen ready and willing to take both food and beverage orders. "I'll have the roast beef with Swiss cheese and a water."

"That sounds good actually." Taylor closed the menu and ordered the same as Ryan, substituting a glass of red wine instead of water. Ryan raised an eyebrow and Taylor laughed—her smile made his heart skip a beat. "You live in Europe for so long and eventually you get into the habit of drinking wine at every meal."

"No beer?"

"I had my fill of beer in Germany, but you'll see pictures to that effect later. Does it feel good to have the application process over?"

"Yes—but now I have to wait forever to hear if I've been rejected or not."

"You won't get rejected." He had applied to both UCLA and Southern California for graduate school. Sandy had been sad that Ryan hadn't decided to stay in Berkeley, but understood the need for a change of scenery. "I really want to get into UCLA."

"When are the applications due?"

"May." The waitress brought back their drinks and Taylor frowned as she took a sip of her wine. She missed France and her friends terribly, but what she really missed were the cheap and delicious wines. Her mother had a lot of good French wines but they were really expensive because it was all imported. "I hate that I don't have anyone to go through the stress of applying with." Since she had not arrived back in American until January, she had missed all the fall application deadlines. Now, she had to wait until next January to start graduate school.

"I think the waiting process is worse."

"Summer says so too." Summer was applying to law school and wanted desperately to study environmental law at Georgetown. They sat again in that comfortable silence and Ryan could sense that Taylor wanted him. She certainly was beautiful, but he knew that now was not the time for dating. Rose had broken his heart when she had left him—the religious differences between them had been too much for her—and even though he was slowly but steadily getting over her, had no interest in seeing anyone for quiet a while.

"How are you feeling?" There was a look of concern in her face and Ryan thought for a crazy moment that she was reading his mind.

"I'm okay—every day gets better." He looked so sad when he said it and he suddenly looked tired. There was that sadness that Summer had told Taylor about. The girl had known Taylor was exciting about the prospect of seeing Ryan and had warned her that she should not try anything romantic with Ryan Atwood—he was simply not ready for it and would only probably hurt him more. "I heard a couple of days ago that she was dating someone new." He tried to smile but could not and Taylor noticed for the first time that whenever he smiled, there was a lingering sadness on his face. She had seen that before—when Marissa was six months dead and they were just starting their courtship.

"I'm so sorry Ryan." The waitress brought by their food and as Ryan started to eat, Taylor felt her heart melting for him. She had heard Summer's warning and had promised herself not to fall for him, but she knew that she was. Taylor thought about the pain that had been inflicted on his heart; she wanted badly to kiss him, to comfort him to hold him and assure him that everything would be okay. As they ate and smiled at one another and made small talk, Taylor found herself falling in love with him again.

"I will wait for him. I will wait, no matter how long it takes him" Taylor told herself as she listened to Ryan talk about himself and the life he currently lived. "I will wait for him to get over Rose and when he is ready to date I will snatch him up because he is sweet and funny and loyal." He was worth waiting for—she would be a loyal friend to him and support him and grow close to him because she knew she loved him as a friend and wanted badly to be his lover as well.

"Do you want to see a movie tonight?" Her thoughts had seemed elsewhere for an instant; had he been boring her with so much talk about himself?

"I don't know—what are your friends doing tonight? I'd like to meet some of them." She knew Luke and Alton and some of the others from when they dated, but some of the names now were unfamiliar.

"There's a free concert on campus but most of them will probably be out drinking tonight."

"That sounds fun—where do you usually go?"

"_The Drunken Philosopher_. They have a bunch of pool tables and they usually do trivia Friday nights."

"That sounds fun—I bet we'd win trivia easily."

"It's pretty fun." It was agreed; they'd go to the bars tonight and see Kirsten, Sandy and Rose for lunch tomorrow. "I'm really glad that you came."

"I am too." She flashed him another of her bewitching smiles and in her heart knew that she'd win him back eventually.


	14. Chapter 14

It was the day of Ryan's graduation and the day had been perfect. Sandy and Kirsten had both cried when Ryan had walked the stage and been handed his diploma. Taylor had cried too and Kirsten felt her heart melt for the girl as she cheered on Ryan with bright, shining eyes. Now they were out at one of the most fashionable Chinese restaurants, and the table was buzzing with conversation.

A rumor had been confirmed, and for Sandy and Kirsten, this perfect day just kept on getting better.

"That's a perfect Cohen plan—propose on graduation day." It wasn't the most original plan, but Sandy and Kirsten were both proud and thrilled for Seth. After so many years of loving Summer, she was finally going to be Mrs. Summer Cohen. So much had changed over the years; when Ryan had first entered their lives, they would never have guessed that Seth would be marrying such a fine young woman as Summer.

"You can't say a word to Summer" Ryan wasn't sure how Taylor was going to hold her tongue when she talked to her friend, but Taylor promised very solemnly that she would not say a peep.

"And I'm crushed that you don't have more faith in me Ryan." She smiled at him and he laughed and Sandy and Kirsten again exchanged pointed looks. They both knew that Taylor was head-over-heels in love with Ryan; they had never spoken to the girl about it, but from the way she looked at him and lit up when his name was mentioned, it was fairly obvious that she wanted him, and was waiting patiently for him to be ready. They had been very impressed with this new Taylor. Ever since her arrival back in America, she had become a familiar face again. She visited Berkeley once or twice a month and she always made a point of stopping off and seeing Kirsten, Sandy and little Sophie.

"Well you have a track record of not being able to keep secrets." The waiter came by for their drink order before she had time to reply. "Can you handle three graduations in four days? That's a lot of time with the Cohens."

"I think I can manage." She really was excited about seeing Summer again; she had gone to see her friend two months earlier and that visit had only made her realize how much Taylor had missed her friend.

"I used to come here a lot when I was in school." Sandy had a twinkle in his eye as he remembered happy days in college.

"I think you took me for a couple of dates."

"You know I did." Taylor and Ryan exchanged glances and he smiled at her. He knew that she wanted him and loved him; what exactly was holding him back? The injuries Rose had inflicted on him had passed but yet his heart had not completely healed. As he looked at Taylor and wondered what she was thinking about, Ryan tried to examine his heart more closely. Why could he not date her? Why had he not allowed himself to become interested in any girl yet? His asked and his heart told him that he was not ready to date yet. Ryan did not want another heart break; he knew they were a fact of life, but did not want to deal with it quite yet. "The chicken fried rice is very good here."

"That sounds really good actually."

"Did Seth say anything else?" He had called Ryan first with the news he was going to propose at Summer's graduation.

"No not much—just hello and was excited about seeing everyone." That was not entirely true. Seth's graduation was the next morning and his plan was on proposing to Summer this very evening. He had lied to his parents because he wanted to prepare them for the coming engagement but he had not wanted their prying eyes to be around when he had actually popped the question to Summer, who was graduating in two days time.

"I wonder which ring he decided on?" Seth had emailed Taylor at least ten different ring styles for Summer because he "didn't trust his judgement on girly things". Ever since her reappearance in Ryan's life, Seth had been very sweet about Taylor and had renounced his membership in the "We Hate Taylor Club."

"Which one did you end up suggesting?"

"It was a princess cut, not very big. I know she doesn't want anything big and of course it was from Canada. I know Summer would freak out if it was a blood diamond."

"That sounds pretty. I'm sure it will be beautiful." The drinks were delivered and the food order taken. The table settled into the small talk that happy families usually fall into to. As he sat at the table, Sandy couldn't help but feel how blessed and fortunate they were. Ever since that great earthquake of '07, there lives had slowed down and become almost normal. The first four years of Ryan's life with the Cohen's had been filled with so much drama and mayhem; it was remarkable to think that the past four years had been so calm and happy in comparison. As he looked at Ryan, he thought about all the positive and wonderful things that were happening to the people that were so dear to him: Ryan was off to Southern California in the fall to study architecture; Summer had gotten into law school at Georgetown and was starting in the fall. Seth of course was following his bride-to-be and was already looking for work in the greater DC area. His wife was happy and their daughter Sophie and healthy and beautiful. As Sandy's gaze shifted to Taylor, he smiled to himself at the thought of the girl becoming his daughter-in-law. Her years in Europe had matured her greatly but the basic sweetness and love for life that she had always had was still there and strong within her. It was obvious she loved Ryan; Sandy just hoped that it would happen soon.

"I've been meaning to ask you Taylor, did you get everything in on time?"

"They got the last of it a couple of days ago." She had been concerned that UCLA would not get all her recommendation letters and transcripts from France in time, but they had come and was now waiting anxiously for a decision. "They said I'd hear in early July."

"It would be great if you two were in LA together."

"We can look after each other." Ryan desperately wanted to feel something for Taylor, but again found his heart lacking. "I'll be his study buddy." If she had her way, they'd never get much studying done but so far he had not shown any sign of romantic interest. Why wasn't she making a move? Was it smart that she was holding back? Taylor questioned her decision to hold back constantly but Summer and Seth had agreed it was the right choice. Ryan would be ready when he was ready, and it was better for him to come to her instead of her pressuring him into something he wasn't ready for. "That was the mistake last time I think" Taylor told herself, thinking back to the first time they dated. "We fought and struggled because he hadn't been completely healed and I chased him too hard." She would not make that mistake again, there was too much on the line.

"You feeling okay?" It was Ryan, a look of concern on his face. "You zoned out for a minute?"

"Yea—a little tired I guess." It had been a long, exciting day. "Aren't you tired?"

"No—I don't think it's sunk in yet that I'm done with school. Plus, it's pretty cool about Seth and Summer."

"She'll be so happy. She's been dying to get engaged." Taylor thought about Summer and the wedding planning they'd have to do. No doubt she'd be the maid of honor and Ryan the best man. "You'll have to plan the bachelor party."

"No strippers." Kirsten warned and Sandy only could laugh as they brought the food. "Strippers only lead to trouble."

"Like Hailey and Julie fighting in the pool."

"We have to call her after dinner."

"Hailey better make it." They hadn't seen her in ages and talked every few months or so.

"She will." Taylor and Ryan ate and listened while Kirsten and Sandy told stories of the adventurous Hailey.


	15. Chapter 15

As Ryan studied his book on architectural theory, he noticed Taylor's languid body on the couch out of the corner of his eye. She had been looking pale and sickly of late but when asked would only say that she had a touch of something. Ryan wasn't so sure; the girl seemed to be hiding something. Was she pregnant? Certainly Taylor had become quiet and sad looking the past few weeks so it was not out of the realm of possibilities.

It was early October and Ryan had been in graduate school for nearly two months now. The University of Southern California was stressing him out and everything seemed just much harder now then it had up in Berkeley. He had always been so confident about his studies but now not so much. Was he really cut out to be an architect? Taylor closed her magazine and sighed sadly, sinking deeper into the couch.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Ryan had asked her that at least twice already and she had twice given him a short, monosyllabic answer.

"I'm fine." The girl was clearly not fine and Ryan's hard gaze made her feel uncomfortable. What was she doing here? Why had she come over? For the past few weeks things had been strained between them. That easy friendship they had shared was fading and now their conversations consisted of mostly broken words and sentences. "I think I'm actually going to get going soon."

"But you just got here." She had been living in Los Angeles since the middle of August and was working and saving money before starting UCLA in January. They had been spending a lot of time with one another but lately it had been tough. She knew the reasons behind it but her promises to herself and her own stubbornness prevented her from taking any action.

"I know—I'm just tired."

"Do you want to do dinner tomorrow night?"

"No—I think I'm actually going to go back to Newport for a little while—my boss said I could use a holiday." They all had agreed that she needed an escape from the city and Taylor hoped that a change of scenery and air would be beneficial to her. What exactly was her problem? Any doctor or psychologist could tell Ryan that it was depression, plain and simple. She had been so patient in waiting for him to get over Rose, and when he had finally announced that he was over her, Taylor expected that soon he would take her. That had been during the summer and as the summer crept along, nothing had happened. As the days passed and still Ryan seemed either oblivious or indifferent to the clear fact that she was crazy about him, she had slipped first into mortification and then into a depression. Had he not wanted her at all? Had the feelings of affection and attraction coming from him all these months been simple friendship? Ryan had told her he was ready to date again; was he simply waiting for the right girl—who wasn't Taylor—to come along?

"Oh okay…" He trailed off, not really knowing what to say. Ryan wasn't an idiot; he knew that Taylor Townsend had feelings for him. It had been on the tip of tongue to talk to her about his feelings, and about the possibility of a relationship, but one thing stopped him: if he examined his heart, he was not sure that he could trust and love her again. She had hurt him pretty badly when she had cheated and lied to him and he wasn't sure that in his heart love existed. "Call me?"

"Sure." He watched her silently as she grabbed her purse and magazine and headed for the door. The girl felt tears forming in her hazel eyes. Why didn't he stop her? Why didn't he at least try and make her talk, like he used to do? As she made sure her keys were in her purse, Taylor again wondered if her decision not to make a move was a wise one. Seth and Summer had encouraged her not to lose hope and to stick with her plans. For once, let Ryan make the first move and pursue you, they had told her. Don't destroy a friendship by pushing him too hard, they had also told her. Well, her not pushing was also destroying a friendship because she was in love and unhappy because she was walking out of the door and he was sitting there, saying and doing nothing. "Bye Ryan." Taylor really wanted to bawl her eyes out and when she got home, she would certainly end up crying a good long while.

"Taylor wait." He was off the couch now and stood before her. There was something he had to know. "Are you sure you're feeling okay? I'm worried about you!"

"I promise I'm…"

"Are you pregnant?" He had to know—he had been thinking about it lately and if that were truly the cause of her paleness and sadness then his fears would have been justified. They had to be able to trust one another and be open to one another.

"What did you ask me?" She looked at him incredulously.

"Are you pregnant—if you are…"

"That's what I thought." The girl flushed with anger and her hazel eyes burned with a sudden resentment. "How can you ask me that Ryan? Are you so dense that you haven't possibly noticed that the reason I haven't been on a date in nearly a year is because I've been waiting for you?"

"I wasn't sure." This only made Taylor's anger increase.

"Wasn't sure! Have you not noticed the way I smile at you, the way I laugh at your jokes and how I can't take my eyes off of you? I always look my best when I'm around you, I wear sexy perfume to give you the oh so subtle hint that I'm attracted to you and want you to be attracted to me." The words and emotions that she had been bottling up inside of her for so long came tumbling out now.

"Why didn't you say anything Taylor?" His emotions and feelings were opening up too now to match her intensity. "Why didn't you tell me how you were feeling? I thought we were friends, good friends?"

"I didn't want to rush you—you were so sad about Rose that I wanted you to be ready for me—and then when you were ready to date again I thought it would happen soon but I kept on waiting and waiting—I don't know, I thought it would be nice to be chased for once, for me not have to do the work of seducing you. I was scared that if I made a move you'd be frightened off or just give in to me to be nice and be miserable because you weren't ready."

"You should have had faith in me Taylor."

"Maybe I should have." They stood in silence, their tongues exhausted. "Is it me Ryan? is it something about me that you aren't ready for or sure about?" She took a step closer to him and took his hands in hers. "Do you feel anything for me Ryan? Do you feel anything at all?" Her hazel eyes were bright with hope.

He stood there, not saying anything because he didn't know what to say. Sure he felt something for her—she was beautiful and sweet and funny and though he didn't love her he felt, while standing there, the possibility that he could love her again. It scared him to think about opening up to Taylor again, to allow her completely into his heart. She had hurt him before; Ryan had been so happy in his love that when she had broken his heart he had been crushed. For a long time he had doubted that he would be able to love her and trust her with his heart again, but as he stood there, watching her dreams crumble something went off inside of him. Ryan desperately wanted to comfort her, to console her and make her happy again—to see that bewildering smile. As Ryan searched his own heart, it came to him in nauseating clarity: He had been so wrapped up in the past and the pain that she had once caused him that he had once again trapped her in the past, and had failed to realize that the pain he had gone through had been shared by Taylor.

"I'd better go." He was just standing there, saying nothing and looking at her. Taylor felt humiliated and heart broken; she had asked and he had not even been able to give her an answer—he probably hadn't wanted to hurt her feeling anymore but the silence spoke louder than words. "Let's forget about all this okay?" She tried to smile through her tears but it was a pathetic attempt. The voices from within his heart were loud now: be a man and tell her how you feel.

"No—don't go." He would do it, she was being frank and now he must be too. Ryan had been so concerned about being able to trust her and her faith in the relationship that he hadn't even considered that by keeping his feelings hidden and living in fear of being hurt again, Ryan was being guilty in the same way. "I'm scared."

"Scared?" That was the first time she had ever heard those words come out of his mouth. "Of what?"

"Of getting hurt again—of you breaking my heart."

"I know. Can you forgive me—really forgive me and trust me again? I know I hurt you and I hate that I put you through that pain." Could he forgive her and truly forget the past? They had done so well up until that point but when it had come it had devastated him for a couple of months. Bianca had tried to reach him that summer but had failed and it was only until Rose that he had found his ability to love again. She had crushed him too.

"I have forgiven you—I'm just scared of it happening again, of being hurt again."

"I don't want to hurt you Ryan—I just want to make you happy." She reached out cautiously for one of his hands. "Please Ryan, give me another chance." He looked down at that hand of hers and then into her hazel eyes, serious and heavy with both sadness and hope.

"I.." Actions were better than words; he took her hand and pulled her into him and kissed her. "I want this too." They kissed long and passionately and when she broke away from him there were tears of happiness in her eyes. "You won't go?"

"No—not tonight."

"And not to Newport." No, she was not going anywhere. He led her to the couch and when he put his arms around her, she melted into him. "Can we get back to kissing?" She laughed and they kissed slowly, sweetly. They allowed their lips to linger over each others and as their hands rediscovered each other they both felt passions and lust break over them.

"I have to tell you something—since we're being so open and honest."

"Can we get back to kissing afterwards?" She planted a playful kiss on his cheek and became serious; he noticed the look on her face and concentrated on her hazel eyes. "What is it?"

"I love you." He looked stunned for a moment and before he had a time to respond she continued on. "I just want to tell you that because I want us to be completely honest with one another and our emotions. I love you but I have no expectations from you—please don't say it until you know you feel it; I promise you that this is the last time you'll hear those words from me until—or if—you're ready." She finished and squeezed his hands. "What do you think?"

As a reply he took her by the hand and led her into his bedroom.


	16. Chapter 16

Ryan Atwood waited as the pictures Seth had emailed him downloaded onto his computer. They were from Thanksgiving weekend—everyone had gone down to Newport to feast at Veronica Townsend's and Seth had promised a number of gems in the pictures provided. Thanksgiving had been such a blast—one of the best in memory—and Ryan was already looking forward to the fabulous party Veronica was planning for New Years Eve. She had gone out of the way in making Ryan feel welcome and comfortable and after Thanksgiving, he had felt a real strong bond for Taylor's mother; for the first time in his life, he had not been afraid of the woman.

It was 5:30 and Ryan was expecting Taylor any minute. Their plans were to meet Alton and Jenny and Taylor's friend Daniel for dinner and drinks afterwards—it was a casual evening so Ryan was just in jeans—and he was excited about they were all good friends and good people and he had shared so much with Alton in their four years of college. As the pictures finished downloading, Ryan thought about all the people in his life and how wonderful and good they all were. There were Sandy and Kirsten, Seth and Summer; the Coopers and his father; the good friends he had made while in Berkeley and the good friends he was slowly but surely making here in Los Angeles. Of course then there was Taylor as well. The past month together had been one of the most blissful he had experienced and his happiness scared him some days because he feared what it would be like if it were taken away from him.

The first set of pictures came up and he started scrolling through them, smiling at each one. Everyone seemed so happy and again he was marveled how things had changed so much in six years. The past and all the wild things that had happen then seemed so far away, almost as if they were another person's life. It wasn't though; the intense things that had happened to all of them had shaped them in the people they were today. The quietness and normalness of their current lives were born out of the past and they all appreciated it because of what had happened before.

There was a knock at his door—surely it was Taylor. He opened it to see her beaming face; she kissed him and again his life brightened.

"How was the gym?"

"Good—I had to wait a while for the treadmill." She had a beautiful body—one of the greatest he had ever seen—and the girl was very proud of it and worked hard to keep it. "How's studying?"

"Taking a break—Seth emailed me some pictures from Thanksgiving." He took her by the hand and they walked to his bedroom; taking a seat on his lap, they starting going through the pictures, commenting here and there about their friends. Summer looked tired—school was very tough on her—Sophie and Will were getting so big; Jimmy Cooper was back in America and the reunion between him and Julie had been awkward—with Kaitlin it had not. She had clung to her father the entire day. As he shared the pictures with Taylor, it struck him that how happy they would all be; they were all a family and had gone through so much together—they would go through so much together in the future no doubt. Ryan realized that that no matter what, Taylor would always be in his life because of her intense friendship with Summer. Even if Ryan and Taylor were not meant to be, there was a beautiful history there that was always taking shape; on his death bed the image of Taylor Townsend would play a large role in the drama that was his life.

"What are you thinking?"

"What?" He hadn't meant to zone out.

"You went away from me for a second." She kissed him and ran her hands through his hair. "You do that from time to time."

"I was thinking about you—about everyone really. Things have changed so much."

"They have—it's gotten quiet for all of us."

"That's good right?" Sometimes life seemed so normal that he wasn't sure if that was right. "Things can't always go on like this can they?"

"Like how?"

"Perfect." Taylor smiled; that's how things were for them, perfect.

"No it can't—it won't." It depressed her to think that this happiness would end—they would fight and there would be tears and heartbreak before it was all said and done. It was unavoidable. She sat in his lap and they finished the pictures in silence. "What time do we have to be there?"

"Seven—we have time." Her slim body eased into his and he wrapped his arms around her waist. "I wish Marissa were alive." She would have been pleased to see everyone doing so well—what would she be like if she hadn't died that warm summer evening? Would she had gone to Berkeley? Would they have been lovers? Ryan tried to remember what her voice, her smell, her touch, sounded like but he would not grasp a clear memory. There were aspects, things that he had treasured at the time, about her that now he could not recall.

"You think about her a lot?" It was a subject both were reluctant to broach often.

"Not a lot—sometimes. I miss her though."

"Do you think--?" She started to ask something but the words were cement in her mouth.

"What is it?" Taylor shifted in his arms and pressed out of his embrace. "Taylor?"

"It will make you angry." Here the Taylor Townsend of old was coming out again. "I don't want to say it." The old insecurities of the past were rearing their ugly faces again, after all these years of being buried. "It's not that I think about it a lot—but sometimes I do and it scares me."

"What's wrong baby?" Ryan had a faint idea of Taylor was anguishing about; he wanted to hear it from her own lips. "You can talk to me remember?" She looked so solemn, so sad. "Please I want to resolve this."

"Do you think you would have ever noticed me if Marissa hadn't died that night?" There it was, that giant doubt that had always been there in the back of the girl's mind.

"I don't know." How was Ryan supposed to answer that question? It was an impossible one to answer. If Marissa hadn't died his life could possibly be very different from the one it was today—then again maybe nothing else would be different except for the fact that Marissa was alive. "I don't know Taylor."

"I don't know either." With that she burst into tears, crying sadly on his bed. "I don't know why I thought of it suddenly—but you were talking about Marissa and all of a sudden I thought that you'd never would have loved me." He took her in his arms and let her cry into his shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't." He kissed her forehead and ran his fingers through her hair, trying to soothe her. "Things were far from perfect that last year—I was with Sadie and I really thought I was over her." Ryan was in the past now, looking through his apartment and his studies and Taylor and everyone else and into that haze that until now had seemed someone else's existence. "When Marissa died I realized that I wasn't over her; I loved her—I still love her." With heartbreaking clarity, Ryan remembered the feel of her touch, the sound of her voice; the past which had been a distant dream was now a stark reality. The room was filled with her sent and the din of her sweet laughter. "She and I had something intense." Ryan lifted Taylor's head and looked deep within her eyes, into her soul. "We share something intense too and I am very lucky to have you in my life—I don't know how to answer your question Taylor—but honestly I'm not sure if it matters because I'm with you now and I don't want to let you go."

She did not know how to reply—she kissed him because that was the only thing she felt at the moment— Taylor felt a deep, an agonizingly deep, love for this man and she would need days and weeks to figure out the words to express how she felt at that moment. As they kissed Ryan realized that he loved her. His love for her was as simple and sweet as the love he had first felt for Marissa and as their lips caressed, he was again frightened about losing her and his happiness with her.

"Taylor—I love you." The words had never been easier formed.


	17. Chapter 17

It was the day after Summer Roberts had become Summer Cohen. The two newlyweds were on their way to Hawaii for two weeks of bliss and the remaining Cohens as well as Taylor and Ryan were left in Berkeley. It had been a simple wedding, just as the bride had asked; Summer walked herself down the isle—in remembrance of her father—and the girl had cried, silently, remorsefully, after the wedding because her two best friends had not been there to share the day. It hadn't been the way it was supposed to be—Summer had told Taylor—but there was reason for happiness so the girl had dried her tears and smiled.

The remaining Cohens, as well as Taylor and Ryan, decided to spend the day after the wedding in one of the more fashionable parks in the city because it was a fine June day. It hadn't been too long ago that Summer's father had died, and as they walked through the languid green world, Ryan couldn't help but remember the fine, cloudless weather that had been spoiled by death and heartbreak. The five walked through the park, making small talk and admiring the summer flowers that were currently in bloom.

As they walked, Ryan could not help but sneak glances at Taylor and her hazel eyes. Her beauty was apparent today, and he only wished that somehow he could trap in his memory forever the way she smelt and the way the sunlight fell on her amber colored hair. The day stretched aimlessly before them; the summer garden that they walked past was of interest to all of them and so they decided to sit by the roses and marigolds and let Sophie learn her flowers.

Ryan and Kirsten watched as Taylor and Sandy led Sophie by the hand to the flowers.

"She's really good with kids." Kirsten knew how happy they were together and now that one son was married, secretly held hope in her heart that Ryan too would be married soon.

"She loves Sophie." Kirsten smiled and nodded; yes, the girl certainly was very sweet and patience with Sophie. "If you ever want a babysitter—she'd be more than happy."

"Julie said she was very good with William." They watched as Sandy showed her the anatomy of a rose; Taylor watched as Sophie gingerly played with a petal and then laughed as the young girl tried to eat the dark red fragrant. "I wonder where the kids are now?" Ryan shrugged his shoulders, he had no idea where the plane bearing Summer and Seth was; no doubt they only had a blanket of deep blue water underneath them. Truth be told, the warm weather made them all feel languid and muddled.

Neither Kirsten and Ryan really could think of things to say beyond a few banal pleasantries and so they sat in the sun, letting the fragrance of the flowers and the sparkle of Sophie's giggles flutter through the still air. The three came back after a few minutes of play; Sophie was anxious to get home, a bee had frightened her.

"Do you care if we catch up with you?" It was such an aimless, easy day that Ryan wanted to stay in this warm, green world. Sandy took his wife and daughter away and left Taylor and Ryan on the bench, holding hands and at ease. Their lives had settled into one that all relationships did: the blissful honeymoon was over; they had their fights and quarrels but none of it was strong enough to truly make them unhappy. Total happiness was impossible, so was total despair. Ryan's life had settled into an acceptable balance of goodness plagued by petty annoyances. His love for Taylor was never in doubt and he had a feeling in the back of his mind that his love for her would never fade. They had shared a glance at the wedding the day before that had made him happy and uncomfortable at the same time. The intensity of Taylor's glance as Summer had walked up the isle had imparted in him not only the knowledge of her love, but also the force of it. It had been a good feeling, but one that had burnt him at the same time because of its passion. He sometimes wondered if he could ever be able to match her intensity.

They made small talk; Taylor too felt the heat of the day and the languidness of her surroundings and matched Ryan in his ease and mindlessness. As they talked of small matters, an old couple sat down on a bench parallel to them. They both walked slowly and had obviously seen better days. The heat of the day was affecting them because they sat down in a huff and sat in silence and pain as their breath caught up to them.

Since they had sat down, Ryan had not been able to take his eyes off of them. The couple held hands and spoke in short, broken sentences; it appeared that they were happy to be with one another, but that there was also something sad hanging over them. Ryan could read it in their faces: sadness was mixed with love and at first Ryan wasn't sure why there would be sadness in this green, fragrant place. Then it struck him; that sadness was there because death was between them. One of the two would experience heartbreak because the other would die and leave the other to loneliness and despair. Their life would be empty until it was their turn to die.

The force of that realization made Ryan want to weep. In his mind he constructed a history for the couple: they had met, fallen in love, had children and experienced a world of happiness and sorrow, it was coming quickly to an end though and his history had one inevitable conclusion: death. It would take that couple and on their death beds all their experiences and memories would be snatched up in an instant, would be eradicated.

Ryan had to take his eyes away from the couple and instead focused on Taylor. She felt her eyes on his and smiled. Her smile suddenly crushed him inside because he now realized that one day, her smile too would only be a memory, something that would be eradicated and forgotten. Her beauty would fade and on his deathbed, he would only be able to grasp at the memory of her smell and touch and taste. Taylor Townsend would only exist then as an incomplete puzzle, as fragments that would disappear completely when Ryan's course of life ended.

How was he to preserve her? To keep her from fading into oblivion? With sickening certainly he realized he could not. It was impossible to lock the memory of this day, this moment, forever in his mind. Taylor would slowly fade away from him, no matter what, until the day she was nothing more than dust. What then could he do? He could not save her or imprint her heartbreaking beauty forever into his mind that much was certain. The only thing could do, he realized, was treasure her and love her as much as possible.

Ryan again felt brave enough to look over at the old couple. They still were hand in hand, obviously in love through all the sorrows and disappointments life had thrown their way. Maybe it did not matter to them that their lives were almost over. Maybe they were pleased with their lives and happy because they had been able to find love and had been able to hold onto it. True happiness had shone on them, even for an instant, and how many people could truly claim that? Ryan knew that he was experiencing it now, with Taylor. He was as sure of it as anything he had felt in his life.

"I want you to marry me."

"What?" Her eyes were large in wonder and surprise. "What did you say?"

"I want you to be my wife." She laughed at first but then her smile faded when she saw he was in earnest.

"Ryan…"

"What do you say?"

"I don't know." She truly didn't know what to say—this was all so surprising.

"Why don't you know—don't you want to?"

"Of course I do—I don't know, I've thought about it."

"What's wrong?" He let himself fall into her eyes, her wonderful hazel eyes that he loved so much. "Talk to me."

"Don't you think it's soon?—I mean we've been together only nine months."

"We've been together for longer than that it seems—for years almost." He took her hands and his and gaze her a squeeze. "I love you and I don't want to lose you—ever."

"Can we wait—until I'm done with school I mean?" She had three years more of studying than Ryan because she was getting her PhD.

"Yes. Until you're sure you're ready. What do you say?" As he waited for her answer, he could see nothing but her eyes, hear nothing but her breathing and feel nothing but the softness of her skin.

"I will marry you." She melted into his arms and covered him with kisses.

_Fin_

Thank you all for your reviews. I hoped that you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.


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